08:33 PM
La Familia It's my birthday...

and I'll party if I want to...or not. :)

Since my stepdad will likely be going back into the hospital for hip surgery either next week or the week after, my mom gave me birthday presents early, we were supposed to go to breakfast out at the Hyatt this morning but I didn't sleep well and woke up all achy and stiff so instead I went to La Madelaine and got lots of food for mom, stepdad and me and took it to their house. We ate, talked, I opened presents, a wonderful back rest so I can read in bed again (and it works way better than some of those reviews say), a Hoyt Axton CD, Second Sight 1, a fabulous English detective mini-series with Clive Owen, lavender liquid soap and hand lotion from Williams-Sonoma (which I have wanted every time I wash my hands in Mom's kitchen) and Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain (which the short-lived wonderful Fox sitcom this last fall was based on).

06:28 PM
La Familia Family Vignettes

Me: So I guess I'll see you tomorrow at the family dinner...
My brother: I guess so...why are we doing this again?
Me: It's a holiday and stepdad wants to get grandma out and about and we're family, we need to all get together every so often...

What I really meant: So that we all talk more often and keep in touch as a family group so you can't give each of us a different story and fool us into believing it.

*grin*

See, he likes us all separate, so he can give his wife one story and our mom another story and then tell me yet another story and getting us all in a room together is not high on his agenda. And he doesn't like stepdad, he's not interested in step-grandma or step-brother or his wife (they don't pay his bills so no point in giving them a story or spending any time on them).

And I know that sounds really cold and he's not so much like that but he is in a way, he's a borderline personality type and he tends to view things in a very self-centric way plus he's still a spoiled child who really hasn't grown up that much....oh well, I love him anyway! :)

Besides, it's a free meal at a nice restaurant where I can eat all my favorite stuff!

11:42 AM
La Familia Mwahahaha!

Heeheeheehee! He asked, so I answered! And of course it freaks him out! My brother is such a *guy* sometimes, we got to talking about what we're taping on SciFi, he's taping XF, Roswell and Stargate (the old eps on Mondays) and I'm taping Stargate (Mondays too), Roswell and Sentinel.
 
Him: I never got into that show (Sentinel).
Me: Well, it is quite bad, really and most Sentinel fans will admit it is!
Him: So why watch it?
Me: Well, um, well, there's this thing called homoerotic subtext, as in the idea that Jim and Blair are a couple....
Him: ooookayyyy (I can hear the mental "ewwwwww" in his head!)
Me: It's like guys get turned on by two women, it's the same thing for women in reverse.
Him: ooookayyyy (more mental "ewwwwwws" in his head!)
Him: That's enough information for me, I think I'll go now!

LOL! Sometimes it's fun to be the evil sister....

02:44 PM
La Familia Temptation

My brother got his LJ set up! oilerstitans423, being the huge sports fan that he is. And I promptly noticed (while talking to him on the phone) that his wife, my SIL, has an LJ too, he friended her and didn't realize I would be able to see it and he made me promise not to read it and I'm being good, but god it's hard to do!

So his LJ is up, right now it's just one entry so far with his predictions on the football playoffs this weekend, go tell him the Titans suck and they'll lose big time!

07:17 PM
La Familia Tired

Really crappy day. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm angry and upset.

My mother hung up on me this afternoon. That may seem like a little thing, but it's really not and it's a big thing to me as well, hanging up on someone is like the ultimate hostile move, cutting off communications and I never do that to anyone, no matter how angry I am.

I thought at first it was her cell phone or mine just cutting out, my cell provider does that from time to time but when I called back, she said she'd done it on purpose. She was angry about stupid little stuff and I had just said I'd do what she wanted as she hung up on me. So never mind, I ain't doing it now. I'm tired of being the second best child, tired of my brother getting everything handed to him, financial support for virtually all his adult life and now a house too. Maybe she's misdirecting her feelings about my brother towards me, expecting more of me as some sort of compensation for not expecting anything from my brother but tough. I'm tired of playing that game.

She doesn't talk about things like this, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she hung up on me, except that she's always been so big on everyone being polite and nice to family and she's non-confrontational by nature and taught me and my brother that all our lives and normally we're pretty close, we do stuff together, talk alot, very different from most of the people I know who are always trying to escape their mothers. About 20 years ago I was in a car accident that could have killed me or left me badly injured (no seatbelt, oncoming car in other lane struck me, luckily on the side instead of head on) and ever since then, we've always said "I love you" at the end of phone calls or when leaving one another. So hanging up on me is like a rejection of that too.

On the upside, my sinuses are all cleared out from crying and blowing my nose all afternoon. Then again, I have a headache from crying and blowing my nose so I guess that cancels out.

I miss my grandmother. And it's damn hot and muggy, cold front all gone, the next one not due for a day or two.

09:49 PM
La Familia Yuletide tales

Brrrrrrr! It's cold! :) It was down to freezing last night and I took both heaters in the bedroom because I was laying in bed under the down comforter and two blankets and shivering! Of course, then I woke up three hours later, suffocating in the heat! But easy to cool things down, the cats, otoh, were very unhappy to see one of the heaters turned off, they're heat pigs. They fight during the day over which one of them gets to sit directly in front of the heater.

And the christmas stuff went okay, although it was a comedy of errors at times, I'd been told dinner was at six (and my mother told me Christmas day at first, luckily I mentioned it to my brother who told me Christmas EVE!), I got there at four because he said he needed help getting things ready. I walk in, the table's set, the tree is decorated, the presents are wrapped, the house is clean, food is cooking and they're standing around talking. They got everything done already! I wouldn't have minded except that my niece drives me absolutely batty, she tends to glom onto people and she has this really shrill voice and she talks incessantly and I was the only one there for several hours for her to fixate on. I like little boys. :)

People gradually turned up, I found out that dinner was really set for 7, SIL's family had been told 5pm, stepbrother was told 7:30 and he was late but it worked out okay, really great food, SIL is a fantastic cook. Only thing I didn't really care for was the beef, it was really really rare (which is odd because my stepdad is a neurologist and normally won't eat anything less than medium because of mad cow disease but he never said a thing about it). We all had a great time and the only disaster was fairly minor and didn't happen until after we'd finished eating, as we all got up, one of the tables collapsed, the legs weren't locked but it only spilled some wine, we saved the chocolate mousse pie!

Stepbrother gave niece this mechanical cat, fake fur and batteries and sensor points on its body, you scratch its head, it meows, you rub its cheek, it purrs, you pull its tail, it hisses and growls! It'll scare the bejeebers out of their cats! And niece also got a used vcr so now her dad can watch his shows in the living room and she can watch her tapes in her bedroom, the perfect Christmas present, no more fighting over the vcr.

That was all last night, I've been spending today quietly, snuggling with cats and watching tapes, hey it's 23 degrees in Chicago right now, y'all bundle up there and turn on the heat! We're only 45 here, although it's supposed to get down close to freezing tonight. It'll be a two cat night plus one heater for me.

03:05 PM
La Familia Being Scrooge

Merry Christmas, Ho-ho-ho and all that rot, I'm late, I guess I better get going....

08:28 PM
La Familia Festive Festivities

If you're going to tell someone it's completely optional when you ask them to do something, then don't be all upset if they say no. :) My brother is doing Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve tomorrow at 6pm, his choice, it's his first Christmas and he's living back in the house he grew up in and I've helped him get their tree (which they still haven't decorated) and get the tables and chairs today (because they have no furniture except two couches that my mom gave them when they moved in the house) (and I'll have to help take the tables and chairs back on Thursday probably) and he calls me up and says right off that this is completely optional, I don't have to do it and asks if I can help out.

After a bit of prodding, he wants help with food and decorating the tree and wants me to come at the crack of noon! Understand that's early for me, I stay up late and sleep later, I don't have a kid to pry me out of bed at 7 am and I already did the get up early and help with all the food at Thanksgiving, I did all sorts of stuff the night before till 1 am and then got up at the crack of dawn to do more of it. So I was figuring on coasting for this holiday. After I dig out of him that mom is coming over at 10 am, I tell him I'll come by 3pm but sheesh, I'm not spending six hours over there before dinner, there's just no way there's that much to do, he's not doing the fancy turkey thing we did, just beef and vegetables and mom and he and his wife (who mom keeps telling me can cook) can do this stuff.

And I am so not into Christmas this year.

11:05 AM
La Familia Tra-la-la!

Happy Thanksgiving! I haven't had much to say lately, mostly dealing with bothersome technical stuff and trying to do some work and tonight I'm off to help my mom make a good old-fashioned Thanksgiving dinner like we used to have, with my favorite bread stuffing (I asked her if she was planning to make it and she "you are!" LOL!) and everyone gathered around at grandma's house.

11:01 AM
La Familia Deck the halls with boughs of holly

Home for the Holidays....not the song, the movie directed by Jodie Foster with Robert Downey Jr, Dylan McDermott, Holly Hunter, Charles Durning, Geraldine Chaplin and Anne Bancroft. Wonderful thing that encompasses all the crazy and obnoxious aspects of my biological and step-family. I think I need to find the tape and watch it again this weekend.

Then after Thanksgiving, I'll watch my favorite Christmas fantasy movie, White Christmas with Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen and I'll laugh and cry and mourn the past and the loss of my grandparents.

I realized this year I'm really not wanting the holidays, more and more I miss what's gone. It seems like all the warmth of those family dinners and get-togethers have been replaced with cold restaurant meals and patched togethers. My brother wants to do Thanksgiving dinner at his house, he's never done this but now he's moved back into his childhood home and he wants to recreate all the good Thanksgivings he remembers there, make it like it used to be. That's where I was about five, ten years ago, trying to make it all like it used to be. Now, I guess I realize it's all gone and it's not coming back, especially since my grandparents are both gone. I still miss it and I want it and them back but I know it's not happening.

So it's time to look for something different, make something good out of what it, instead?

01:19 PM
La Familia No more Chatty Cathy

I miss talking to my brother! See, I ran up my cell phone bill (my only phone) last month and I'm switching to another plan which has a ton more minutes but it doesn't take effect until November 11th and they gave me an extra 100 minutes to cover till then, but that's not much at all so I can only talk to my brother on the weekends (which are unlimited) in the meantime. And I didn't realize how much we do talk, mainly it's about tv shows or computers and such but I like it and I miss him! Email's just not same.

10:36 AM
La Familia I cannot believe I forgot!

OHMIGAWD. I canNOT believe I forgot my mother's birthday!!!! Not just giving her something, cause we don't do that much anymore but I didn't even call her, I usually call her and say happy birthday but I completely and totally forgot that her birthday was Friday! It wasn't until I was looking at someone's blog just now and they have one of those "on this day" things and it was for October 25th and I thought, Mom's birthday, and then looked at the date on my computer and thought, they're two days behind....eek! that means Mom's birthday was two days ago and I never even said happy birthday!!!!

06:11 PM
La Familia Going, going, gone!

Oh my aching legs! I didn't have to move anything, it's just walking around with the moving guys and seeing that things go where they should and sitting and waiting and standing and waiting! My brother's house looks great tho, he and his wife did a terrific job, my brother in watching over the construction crews, getting things done on time and done right and his wife in picking out the colors for the rooms, they look beautiful! A soft cool pale green in the living room and dining room is lovely, like sitting in a nice leafy shady arbor. And the pale lavender in the bedroom leads gracefully to the pale pink in their kid's room. The outside is blue! A terrific bright blue, like the water off Cozumel on a bright sunny day, with pure white trim, it all helps the house stand out from behind the big tree in the front yard. It all looks gorgeous!

10:19 AM
La Familia Day out

Now I'm off, to help my brother move into his old/new house, the house he grew up in but all renovated since the tenants moved out. And I'm only about an hour late! :) God, it's so hard for me to get going anywhere before 11 am!

06:04 PM
La Familia Avoidance

So my mother caved. Instead of dealing with the problem, or letting my stepdad deal with it, she wrote a check for what he would pay and then wrote a personal check for the rest of what was owed to me. Ah well, it is her decision, if she chooses to stay in the middle and to spend her money, that's her choice.

I feel better for having stuck to my guns, for keeping in mind that I am worth what was due, that I'm good enough to deserve to get paid and not short myself or my own worth. And I need that right now, I need to remember my own worth in going to temp agencies and telling them I'm the best one to send out on their job placements.

It's kind of frustrating with stepdad, he thinks he got away with shorting me, that he can determine my worth and not acknowledge that does owe me all of that money. But if he feels he won that argument, then he may not feel the need to get nasty about future bills, to pay less or stiff me entirely. So that's okay, I guess.

Family! Maybe we would be better off like in Brave New World, all belonging to everyone...although maybe it's a good thing I'm having all these problems with my stepdad instead of my real dad. Since he died young, he's always been idealized, always that perfect loving relationship I would have had, but who knows, he might have been cold and harsh, always telling me I wasn't good enough like my brother's dad or maybe just absent, divorced from my mom and living in another state and hardly talking to me. Then again, maybe he'd support me financially like my mom does with my brother! :)

Oh well, at least my cats really love me....

At least as long as I give them tuna cat food, which reminds me I need to go to the grocery store!

03:03 PM
La Familia In the words of Dr. Phil

Contributing or Contaminating. Okay, so, see, I know that how I handle things with stepdad and mom really isn't always that good. So here I stop and take a look and see what I could do?

You're either contributing or contaminating. Giving mom an ultimatum (pay me what I billed or I don't finish the other stuff you want done) isn't really contributing. But on the other hand, dealing with stepdad, on the phone or face to face, is just plain toxic to me. How do you contribute to a relationship when the other person's method of dealing with things is contamination and he's been like that his whole life and has openly stated that he's not changing?

There's just no way to discuss problems with him, to deal with them and find solutions for both of us without first having this major shouting fit. And by the time he's done and calmed down, I'm so far away from wanting to compromise or find any way of contributing to the relationship.

And so this vicious cycle goes on and on. Is there a way to break it? Is it possible for one person to change how it works (without being a total doormat) even when the other person won't or can't change?

That's the question for the day, please write a 500 word essay and turn it in by 5 pm. You will be graded by how effectively your proposed solution worked. :)

I had that nice little epiphany last year about how I was bringing all this baggage to our relationship from my relationship with previous stepdad and all my overdone expectations of fathers and so on, and yes, he has good qualities, he has stuck it out thru a lot of shit from me and my brother but I'm still left with who he is, my stepdad, that his methods of dealing with life are really difficult for me to handle.

The therapist gave all these good ideas for me to handle it, to not let it affect me so much, but, I dunno, I still have a hard time finding a way to contribute -- without feeling like I'm simply rolling over and playing dead for him, giving in to whatever he wants.

What do you do when a member of the family is someone that you feel it would be better to just stay away from?

02:26 PM
La Familia· Rants & Whines Money, money, that's what I want!

I hate money. I think we should all go back to bartering. :) Especially if it's family that's involved. I have no problem calling up Voicestream and bitching them out for doublecharging my payment to them and then taking a week and a half to give me the money back (mindless cs rep: "if we give you the $ back, then you'll still owe us $", me: "but that $ isn't due until x date, I'll pay you then, in the meantime, I want the money you stole back in my back account!"). But when it's family, it gets sticky.

Doesn't help that my mother who says she doesn't want to be in the middle, always puts herself in the middle. So now she gets to be in the middle when I say that I'm not doing any more work for stepdad until he pays my last bill. And believe me, when I turn in any future bills, they won't get the work product until I'm handed a check at the same time.

Gah. Family. Money. Family. And my mother is so busy not really talking about anything, just ignoring anything she doesn't want to face but then letting any anger or resentment come out with me in other ways (like getting in the middle on this bill thing).

So I sent off my email to my mother, it'll be interesting to see if she calls me about it or goes to talk to stepdad tonight first. And if anyone hears an explosion, don't worry, it's not terrorists, it's just my stepdad. He avoids heart attacks and aneurysms (wow spell check says I got that right) by screaming and shouting at everyone else. Luckily my cell phone has this volume thing on it. :)

I figure he'll get really mad and fire me, which would be okay, I'm fed up with him anyway and he's not paying me so not much point in working for him, is there? My brother (he worked for him, really worked, on the payroll 40 hours a week, I'm just contract, work at home) says that he won't fire me now but I'm getting closer to that. I figure he'll fire me but then he'll come back in a week when it's closer to the tax filing deadline and want me to do the work. There's two deadlines, two returns, on on 9/15 and one on 10/15. I don't do the tax returns, but I do the bookkeeping, prepare the financials and deliver it all to his tax attorney, answer questions, dig up anything else he wants and then the tax attorney files the returns. He's like 80 or something, incredibly disorganized. His emails are a disaster!

I need coffee.

10:22 PM
La Familia· Observatorium· TV First Days

Yeah, it's new, so there's nothing much here. I had another blog but I, uh, foolishly told my family about it so now I can't talk about them on it anymore. (dumb me!) So I started this one instead. I'm still messing with the page design, took one of the fairly blah templates that blogger has just to get this started. I want to wander around blogskins and see what I can find there and then tweak it to suit me.

Apropos of nothing, Mike Logan is really cute in the second season of L&O, the first three years of that show were the best.

And it's amazing how well All in the Family has held up, the humor is good, Caroll O'Connor was a great actor and I like the interaction between Archie and his wife. Reminds me of my grandparents, not in the tone or the way he treated her, but just that they both knew each so well, all those years together. She knows how he likes his rice pudding but she still asks him every time how he wants it and he still gives the same answer every time.

And actually, now that I think about it, Archie and Edith could be my stepdad's parents, his father was a nasty old man, not as bigoted but incredibly self-righteous and just like Archie, no-one could ever persuade him that he was wrong. He worked till the day he died, never wanted anything fancy, lived in the same house he bought in 1960, never got new furniture or rugs or did any renovations. Main thing he bought was a new TV and he only had three of those in forty years (and he didn't get rid of the broken ones either, kept them as furniture!)

Yep, he was an Archie and stepdad's mom was an Edith, she was a nurse when she met him, quit her job after they married to be a housewife, cooked and cleaned, did all his meals exactly like he wanted, tiptoed around the house every afternoon while he took his nap.

The character of Mike suffers over the years tho, he and Gloria come off as shrill and the knee jerk reactions to Archie's bigotry are annoying.

Mike reminds me a bit of stepdad's son....and that living room looks just like stepdad's parent's house!