07:17 PM
La Familia Tired

Really crappy day. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm angry and upset.

My mother hung up on me this afternoon. That may seem like a little thing, but it's really not and it's a big thing to me as well, hanging up on someone is like the ultimate hostile move, cutting off communications and I never do that to anyone, no matter how angry I am.

I thought at first it was her cell phone or mine just cutting out, my cell provider does that from time to time but when I called back, she said she'd done it on purpose. She was angry about stupid little stuff and I had just said I'd do what she wanted as she hung up on me. So never mind, I ain't doing it now. I'm tired of being the second best child, tired of my brother getting everything handed to him, financial support for virtually all his adult life and now a house too. Maybe she's misdirecting her feelings about my brother towards me, expecting more of me as some sort of compensation for not expecting anything from my brother but tough. I'm tired of playing that game.

She doesn't talk about things like this, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she hung up on me, except that she's always been so big on everyone being polite and nice to family and she's non-confrontational by nature and taught me and my brother that all our lives and normally we're pretty close, we do stuff together, talk alot, very different from most of the people I know who are always trying to escape their mothers. About 20 years ago I was in a car accident that could have killed me or left me badly injured (no seatbelt, oncoming car in other lane struck me, luckily on the side instead of head on) and ever since then, we've always said "I love you" at the end of phone calls or when leaving one another. So hanging up on me is like a rejection of that too.

On the upside, my sinuses are all cleared out from crying and blowing my nose all afternoon. Then again, I have a headache from crying and blowing my nose so I guess that cancels out.

I miss my grandmother. And it's damn hot and muggy, cold front all gone, the next one not due for a day or two.