03:03 PM
La Familia In the words of Dr. Phil

Contributing or Contaminating. Okay, so, see, I know that how I handle things with stepdad and mom really isn't always that good. So here I stop and take a look and see what I could do?

You're either contributing or contaminating. Giving mom an ultimatum (pay me what I billed or I don't finish the other stuff you want done) isn't really contributing. But on the other hand, dealing with stepdad, on the phone or face to face, is just plain toxic to me. How do you contribute to a relationship when the other person's method of dealing with things is contamination and he's been like that his whole life and has openly stated that he's not changing?

There's just no way to discuss problems with him, to deal with them and find solutions for both of us without first having this major shouting fit. And by the time he's done and calmed down, I'm so far away from wanting to compromise or find any way of contributing to the relationship.

And so this vicious cycle goes on and on. Is there a way to break it? Is it possible for one person to change how it works (without being a total doormat) even when the other person won't or can't change?

That's the question for the day, please write a 500 word essay and turn it in by 5 pm. You will be graded by how effectively your proposed solution worked. :)

I had that nice little epiphany last year about how I was bringing all this baggage to our relationship from my relationship with previous stepdad and all my overdone expectations of fathers and so on, and yes, he has good qualities, he has stuck it out thru a lot of shit from me and my brother but I'm still left with who he is, my stepdad, that his methods of dealing with life are really difficult for me to handle.

The therapist gave all these good ideas for me to handle it, to not let it affect me so much, but, I dunno, I still have a hard time finding a way to contribute -- without feeling like I'm simply rolling over and playing dead for him, giving in to whatever he wants.

What do you do when a member of the family is someone that you feel it would be better to just stay away from?